It was one of those days, where as a parent of three sick littles I hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep. We were living in a third-floor apartment outside Lynchburg, VA. The day before, the downstairs neighbor, an artist, had complained that we were being too loud. Apparently, all the tiny feet running up and down the hall above him were not conducive to producing the next Picasso- I get it. My husband was in the back room trying to get some sleep after working the night shift as a $9 an hour janitor- the only job he could find. I was sitting on our navy blue couch- one child on each side of me and the baby on my lap wanting to nurse again for the umpteenth time. All crying, all snotty-nosed, hair uncombed, no one yet dressed for the day. And God help us all if they ran down the hall and once again disturbed the downstairs Michelangelo. I felt like I was going to lose it and out of the depths of my heart I yelled this desperate prayer: “God, I don’t feel very fulfilled right now!” I wasn’t expecting a response. Was He even there? But almost immediately He did speak, leaving an indelible imprint on my heart. “It’s not about feeling fulfilled. I am building your character.” The entire atmosphere of the room changed. He was there, with me, in my mess. He saw it all. And He was still working in me, on me.

I think we’ve all passed through seasons where we think to ourselves, “This wasn’t what I signed up for.” Whether it’s in marriage, parenting, job, vocation, or just plain life circumstances. When the disciples of Jesus were honored to be personally chosen by the Messiah to “come and follow Me,” they probably felt like they were on a mountaintop. Most likely there were some illusions of grandeur as the crowds flocked to see Jesus, listened to His teachings, and witnessed His miracles. Afterall, they were part of Jesus’ elite SEAL team if you will, chosen by God Himself to carry out His eternal plan on earth. Good times. But then the tables turned. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. The fear, the intrigues, and finally the cross.

At one point we read in John 20 that the disciples, the ones chosen by Christ Himself, that had spent 3 years with Him personally, were gathered together hiding behind locked doors. I can’t blame them. The Jewish leaders had killed Jesus- who would they go after next? Perhaps they were thinking, “This wasn’t what I signed up for.” The next thing we know Jesus is in their midst. Never mind the locked doors or their lack of super spiritual prowess. He was there, and they were overjoyed. And then he said 4 words that changed it all. “Peace be with you.” Those seeking to blot out any memory of the Messiah were still outside. The threat of persecution still hung in the air. Few external circumstances had changed, yet everything had. They knew God Himself was with them, that He was still carrying out His work and they were somehow still a part of it despite their frailty, their insufficiency, their lack. And He wanted them. He didn’t scold them in their most vulnerable moment, instead He invited them to come close to Him, so close that He could breathe on them. Ironically, it was these same fearful warriors that Christ would commission to carry His Gospel message to the ends of the earth.

Sometimes the life we envision for ourselves, in its idyllic perfection, is a far cry from what God has actually called us to. When we respond to Christ’s call to come and follow Him we inevitably find ourselves on a mountaintop with a view we never could have imagined, just as the disciples did. Our lives seem to be flooded with grace, prayers being answered left and right. We think we have given all to Him, but it’s only the beginning. He is an all-consuming fire and He is not satisfied with only having a part of you. He wants you to be fully alive, for that is the glory of God. The ironic contradiction to that statement is that you cannot be fully alive until you have died. You cannot live in resurrection life until you have passed through the cross.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matthew 16:25). If you are truly following the heart of God you can be guaranteed that the very thing you are called to will be both life and death to you at the same time. It will be your greatest joy and the most difficult thing you’ve ever done in your life- yet you wouldn’t trade it. In one of his epistles written to Timothy the Apostle Paul states, “I am being poured out like a libation.”

If you feel like you are constantly being poured out like an offering you can be assured that He is right there and that He is doing a beautiful and authentic thing in your heart- healing, changing, building. The key is not perfection, but rather desire. The desire to do the will of God above all else. And the desire to know, love, and serve Him above any of our own plans.

Peace be with you. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit (John 12:24).